3lastnamesblog

On Saturday Night Live they do a commercial spoof about the birth control pill Seasonique, which I happen to be on. The commercial begins with serene women in flowy skirts strolling in the park on a beautiful spring day. They are chatting about how freeing it is to be on Seasonique because you only  have  your” friend”  4 times a year…but when you DO .…the commercial then cuts to these same women  who now resemble Rambo, wielding machetes and slinging machine guns . To you this may be funny. To me this is my true life story.

It starts as an ordinary day. The sun is shining, the children are laughing and playing, the mailman whistles a happy tune. Then slowly the storm clouds start to gather overhead. The birds stop chirping. People in the street start running for cover. Dogs start barking because they sense something undetectable by humans. Yes, I have ovulated.

But, I will never admit to PMS.  It’s YOU not ME!  Must you crunch those pretzels so loudly? Do you really have to blink?

Here’s an example of one of my typical PMS outbursts. One day I came home to find the butter out. To me, butter is like LSD, it can only lead to destruction. In a PMS rage I bellowed, “WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON IN THIS HOUSE WHILE I WAS OUT!!?”   “IS THIS HOW I RAISED YOU?” “MUST YOU INFLUENCE YOUR  SISTER?” “IS THIS WHERE YOUR LIVES ARE HEADED?” And of course, no matter what the fight I have to throw in, “DO YOU KNOW WHO PAYS FOR THIS BUTTER?  And finally I collapsed into a torrent of PMS tears.

Of all the wonderful traits I could’ve passed on to my two daughters, PMS seems to be the most dominant.  Occasionally, the three of us have PMS simultaneously. This means triple the sobbing, triple the yelling and triple the cursing. This continues until our house literally implodes upon us. And there we are, digging our way out of the rubble; the shattered pieces of our lives surrounding us. We silently stare at each other knowing we are all thinking the same exact thing…….wanna get some frozen yogurt?

For all my friends and family who have experienced my PMS and have lived to tell about it, I thank you. At least now it is only once every season.  My next one will be around Valentine’s Day. I wear black on Valentine’s Day.  Need I say more? Don’t say I didn’t give you fair warning.