3lastnamesblog

I am a Jewish minster.  I know what you’re thinking.  A  Jewish minister is an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp and sugarless candy. But I am not a contradiction. One of the definitions of minister is “a person serving as an agent for another by carrying out specified orders or functions”. I will be doing just that when I officiate my friend’s wedding. It was a long and arduous on-line process to become ordained. I had to fill in my name, address and telephone number and press “Get Ordained”. But please, no formalities are necessary. Minister Jackie will do just fine.

I will be officiating the wedding of my dearest friend John to the love of his life, Eric. It is a gay, interracial marriage with a Jewish minister. I am honored to be part of a ceremony that does not discriminate based on sexual orientation, race or religion. It’s just about the love. In New York Sate a notary republic cannot perform marriage ceremonies. But I can. This may sound like a farce, but let me explain why I think I am the most qualified person to marry these two gentlemen.

First of all, John and mine’s relationship began over a decade ago. He started teaching in the same school as me and we became quick friends. I knew when he told me I was the funniest woman he knew, he was going to be in my life for a very long time. I’m not sure John realized exactly what that meant for him.

You see, I have some issues. One of them is, I am afflicted with a new disease every week, at least in my head anyway. John has humored me through glaucoma, lymphoma, deep vein thrombosis, Lyme’s disease and most recently carpel tunnel syndrome. Several months ago, I was sitting next to a man at a bar with a terrible cough. I was sure he had given me Tuberculosis. I was with my sister when I diagnosed myself and told her I had to call John immediately to let him know of my most recent illness. She reminded me that John had just gotten his gall bladder removed and that maybe I shouldn’t bother him. Was she kidding me? Everybody knows that TB trumps gall bladder! Needless to say, I called John and he sympathetically listened as I explained my bout with TB. I mean c’mon his gall bladder surgery was laparoscopic. That’s like what, one stitch?

John is also my Karaoke manager. By that I mean, he is the lucky one who gets to go with me to Karaoke every week and listen to me sing the same songs over and over. Also, when “regulars” come up to me to say hello he quickly whispers in my ear their names because he knows there’s not a chance in hell I will remember them. He also is equipped with the names of the bar tenders, my colleagues, my neighbors, my students’ last names and distant family members because one never knows who you’re going to run into at Karaoke.

Another responsibility John has is to answer certain questions such as “How does my hair look? “, “Do I look fat in this outfit?” and “Can you notice this zit on my face?” This of course is a no-win situation for John. You might think that just to play it safe, he should lie. However, John has tried that, only to find himself in deep trouble when I see a picture of myself and clearly the zit looks like a second nose on my face. So now John has a politically correct response to which men all over the world should take heed…. “Well personally, I think your (hair) looks great, but I know it’s not how YOU like it to look”. Genius! When I ask my boyfriend similar questions I actually hear him think aloud, “Hmmmm. How would John answer this”? I think I understand now when John told him “She’s all yours!”

But I have helped John too. I have given him much advice both professionally and personally. Actually, when I first met John he wasn’t “out” to his parents yet. He was nervous about telling them and I told him I was certain they already knew. My advice was to keep it simple- sit down to dinner and say ‘I’m gay, pass the ketchup”.

And finally along came John’s love Eric and it was love at first sight (for me that is, I can’t speak for John.) He has fashion and decorating sense where John is lacking. Together they make the perfect gay man. At our first meeting we played a game. By the colors I chose Eric was able to tell me about every aspect of my personality including my sex life. This was my kind of guy! I knew when Eric told me I looked so much younger than my age; he too was going to be in my life for a very long time. I’m starting to think I’m like a duck- throw some bread at me and I’ll cling to you till you start running from the park.

So I ask, who better to marry these two men than me? They will not be giving their vows to a stranger, they will be speaking to ME, someone who loves them and is invested in their future. I am ordained by the power of this friendship. They have to answer to a higher order- ME! They just better make sure they speak the truth, because I want to look good in the pictures.

I would like to end with the Seven Blessings that are traditionally recited at Jewish weddings. Below is a non-denominational interpretation of these blessings which I feel perfectly fits the union of John and Eric. I would like to take credit for this version, but I found it on line.

• May you be generous and giving with each other

• May your sense of humor and playful spirit always continue to enliven your relationship

• May you always respect the diversity of human kind

• May you act with compassion to those less fortunate and with responsibility to the communities of which you are a part

• May you appreciate and complement each other’s differences

• May you always share yourselves openly with your friends and family

• May your home be a haven of blessings and peace

  Can I hear an Amen Sista! (Okay, that one was mine!)

I love you, John and Eric and can’t wait to celebrate YOU on your special day!